Trapped so completely in a world of sorrows, I can see myself sinking into unspeakable depths as I look into my eyes. There are questions that haunt and hurt me. It’s like a hand wrapped tight around my heart, slowly choking, squeezing, every second is a dull ache, throbbing so stealthily inside me, that sometimes I can almost smile.
So tired, so weary of waiting through long lonely hours. Trying to put the heart back into my soul. Trying to tell myself that I’m fine, that eventually it will all be ok, everything’s gonna be alright. So long I’ve said it to myself that I almost believe it. Until that next time I feel myself losing ground, then the words come clambering up the ravine again. Slippery and slithering feet, fighting for purchase on steep slopes, rocky cliffs and through sky high waves. And it sees me through again till the next time and the next... Ghosts of memories surround me and the only words I hear are echoed in that dark chasm is ‘why’ or maybe it is ‘when’ and I don’t know and often I wonder if I really want to know. Will it help? What will the answers change, if anything? On the verge of tears, all alone and yet I find it hard, so incredibly hard to let go. Even when there’s noone watching. What’s happened to me, what’s happening to me? Will this take me down with it? Am I to be forever scarred by betrayals, haunted by losses, that ache, rising up unannounced and unprovoked, wherever and whenever? Is there really nothing I can do but watch myself fade, hurt and wounded, knowing that next time around I’d probably be betrayed and hurt again? Over and over and over and fucking over till there isn’t anything left in me to be hurt? Loves and lives, happiness and sorrow, tomorrow and yesterday all blurs eventually and in that ecstatic ache in my soul I never know when one begins and the other ends.
I can feel them welling up sometimes, those unshed tears from aeons ago, or was it yesterday? It doesn’t matter anyway, because they’ll find no release. Shut down and stoppered, like the wine in a bottle stacked to age in dusty cellars of my soul I wait for the dam to burst. Do I have a breaking point? Or will I go on forever like this? Denied of love, and the ability to express my sorrows, betrayed as much by myself as any other? An ironic humour makes me laugh as I desperately try to hold on to things I can’t claim as my own.
So much grief, so many heartbreaks, so much that I lost and yet….i feel it again as I write, trying to do with words and paper and ink what my eyes and tears refuse.
Trying to let it out, maybe ease that fist closing around my heart, maybe drag a few jagged breaths of fresh clean air. Maybe find some release, some fucking where.
But I can feel myself laughing inside, foolish notions of escape from my sorrow. What makes me think that a few words on paper or even tears might unclench that hand for even a little while? Said who? Is the insolent question the laughing me asks the hopeful me. Her eyes are glittering with unspeakable malevolence as hers shine and glow with a burdened and heavy sadness and traces of hope like a few stars shining through a stormy night. And as I look into my eyes I see both, the hardness learnt from many betrayals and the sadness and hope from the one that wishes on, dreams on…
290707
2137
So tired, so weary of waiting through long lonely hours. Trying to put the heart back into my soul. Trying to tell myself that I’m fine, that eventually it will all be ok, everything’s gonna be alright. So long I’ve said it to myself that I almost believe it. Until that next time I feel myself losing ground, then the words come clambering up the ravine again. Slippery and slithering feet, fighting for purchase on steep slopes, rocky cliffs and through sky high waves. And it sees me through again till the next time and the next... Ghosts of memories surround me and the only words I hear are echoed in that dark chasm is ‘why’ or maybe it is ‘when’ and I don’t know and often I wonder if I really want to know. Will it help? What will the answers change, if anything? On the verge of tears, all alone and yet I find it hard, so incredibly hard to let go. Even when there’s noone watching. What’s happened to me, what’s happening to me? Will this take me down with it? Am I to be forever scarred by betrayals, haunted by losses, that ache, rising up unannounced and unprovoked, wherever and whenever? Is there really nothing I can do but watch myself fade, hurt and wounded, knowing that next time around I’d probably be betrayed and hurt again? Over and over and over and fucking over till there isn’t anything left in me to be hurt? Loves and lives, happiness and sorrow, tomorrow and yesterday all blurs eventually and in that ecstatic ache in my soul I never know when one begins and the other ends.
I can feel them welling up sometimes, those unshed tears from aeons ago, or was it yesterday? It doesn’t matter anyway, because they’ll find no release. Shut down and stoppered, like the wine in a bottle stacked to age in dusty cellars of my soul I wait for the dam to burst. Do I have a breaking point? Or will I go on forever like this? Denied of love, and the ability to express my sorrows, betrayed as much by myself as any other? An ironic humour makes me laugh as I desperately try to hold on to things I can’t claim as my own.
So much grief, so many heartbreaks, so much that I lost and yet….i feel it again as I write, trying to do with words and paper and ink what my eyes and tears refuse.
Trying to let it out, maybe ease that fist closing around my heart, maybe drag a few jagged breaths of fresh clean air. Maybe find some release, some fucking where.
But I can feel myself laughing inside, foolish notions of escape from my sorrow. What makes me think that a few words on paper or even tears might unclench that hand for even a little while? Said who? Is the insolent question the laughing me asks the hopeful me. Her eyes are glittering with unspeakable malevolence as hers shine and glow with a burdened and heavy sadness and traces of hope like a few stars shining through a stormy night. And as I look into my eyes I see both, the hardness learnt from many betrayals and the sadness and hope from the one that wishes on, dreams on…
290707
2137
