'moonlit'

The light of the crescent moon,
as it shines down on me
through everything i am
everything i was
and everything i will ever be.
Through my clothes
and through my being
It illuminates me.

041207
0345

'fantasia'

A constant motion
encrypted in change
as tomorrow becomes today
and i have a new name
Pushing the restart button
I fall asleep,
not wanting to wake up in my bed.
Flashes of distant lands
dance beneath closed lids,
as I dream of Fantasia.
To be all alone, lost
in the middle of nowhere
Listening to the wild speak my name.
Drowning in the wilderness
as nature reclaims one of it's own.

301007
2014

Trapped so completely in a world of sorrows, I can see myself sinking into unspeakable depths as I look into my eyes. There are questions that haunt and hurt me. It’s like a hand wrapped tight around my heart, slowly choking, squeezing, every second is a dull ache, throbbing so stealthily inside me, that sometimes I can almost smile.

So tired, so weary of waiting through long lonely hours. Trying to put the heart back into my soul. Trying to tell myself that I’m fine, that eventually it will all be ok, everything’s gonna be alright. So long I’ve said it to myself that I almost believe it. Until that next time I feel myself losing ground, then the words come clambering up the ravine again. Slippery and slithering feet, fighting for purchase on steep slopes, rocky cliffs and through sky high waves. And it sees me through again till the next time and the next... Ghosts of memories surround me and the only words I hear are echoed in that dark chasm is ‘why’ or maybe it is ‘when’ and I don’t know and often I wonder if I really want to know. Will it help? What will the answers change, if anything? On the verge of tears, all alone and yet I find it hard, so incredibly hard to let go. Even when there’s noone watching. What’s happened to me, what’s happening to me? Will this take me down with it? Am I to be forever scarred by betrayals, haunted by losses, that ache, rising up unannounced and unprovoked, wherever and whenever? Is there really nothing I can do but watch myself fade, hurt and wounded, knowing that next time around I’d probably be betrayed and hurt again? Over and over and over and fucking over till there isn’t anything left in me to be hurt? Loves and lives, happiness and sorrow, tomorrow and yesterday all blurs eventually and in that ecstatic ache in my soul I never know when one begins and the other ends.

I can feel them welling up sometimes, those unshed tears from aeons ago, or was it yesterday? It doesn’t matter anyway, because they’ll find no release. Shut down and stoppered, like the wine in a bottle stacked to age in dusty cellars of my soul I wait for the dam to burst. Do I have a breaking point? Or will I go on forever like this? Denied of love, and the ability to express my sorrows, betrayed as much by myself as any other? An ironic humour makes me laugh as I desperately try to hold on to things I can’t claim as my own.

So much grief, so many heartbreaks, so much that I lost and yet….i feel it again as I write, trying to do with words and paper and ink what my eyes and tears refuse.

Trying to let it out, maybe ease that fist closing around my heart, maybe drag a few jagged breaths of fresh clean air. Maybe find some release, some fucking where.

But I can feel myself laughing inside, foolish notions of escape from my sorrow. What makes me think that a few words on paper or even tears might unclench that hand for even a little while? Said who? Is the insolent question the laughing me asks the hopeful me. Her eyes are glittering with unspeakable malevolence as hers shine and glow with a burdened and heavy sadness and traces of hope like a few stars shining through a stormy night. And as I look into my eyes I see both, the hardness learnt from many betrayals and the sadness and hope from the one that wishes on, dreams on…

290707
2137

square one

Say today isn't forever
tomorrow's dreams lie entrenched
in the madness of present day
My package of wishes
got lost in the melee of the mail
Hey you -
curfewed souls
bring me back to square one


120707

a recent conversation between a friend and me led to a very interesting dialogue -

he (adetya) said,

i lost my soul long back

no dreams just me and my sleep

the window is the same, but the view is different each day

i am free but tangled in a hovel full of nothing

a void which will never fill

never let me out

like they said, its a bitter sweet symphony called life

i breathe but never enough all the things i know are kept inside

some secrets die within

none of what i have written

is connected, but true

i am young and thats my fault

my dad says he was once like how i am now

he says its not easy

but tell me how can i try to explain

when since the time i could talk all i has to do was listen

all the times i have cried

keeping the things inside

its hard but its hard as i ignore it

one day i will have to go

to this i replied -

Make the Void a part of you

rather than becoming a part of it

you have to find your soul,

its not lost...

just waiting for you to come looking

sometimes to talk you must listen

and to listen you must talk

Keep yourself within you,

but let someone else in too.

Your dream land awaits the both of you

hurt and loss doesnt kill you

it makes you who you are

embrace it

and then watch the fun

you'll learn so much, you wont know yourself

they say time heals

in reality it doesnt,

nothing heals the deeper wounds of our soul

but they become a part of you

learn from them

moving on is not something that must be done

we carry our excess baggage with nowhere to leave it behind

just like our hearts.

010707

2218

untitled (again)

Take my hand

and drag me under

be the person, i'll follow forever

to the end of this world

and the next

drown me in neverending waters,

drown me slowly

This life aint my own

seek that path

that takes me to my own

fallen, risen, battered and bruised

alive i am

pain made me real,

now i have none

Unreality seeping in slowly

need to wake up and pinch myself...

Claim my name.

written i dunno when :-(

its been in my drafts for years...

this one's untitled...

losing sanity in a world of
civilisation
straitjacketed to superstition
the mind deserts you
as you try to think your way through
road signs pointing to tomorrow
blurred in a haze
everyone spins quietly on....

100607
0318

dream?

Growing up today
i forgot my dream
last night as i lay
i saw a million stars
shooting by
one after another
tracing their paths to the ends
of the world
but as i opened my eyes
i forgot my dream
places i'd never been
and things i've never seen
but i've forgotten that dream.


180607
0229

Remembrance

cloudburst of feeling
melting into nothing
temporariness in absolution
death, over and over again
oceans of trust...
lie betrayed so easily
remembrance is nothing
...........
but a memory.


150607
0317